Turned Tables
by Kitty1994
Summary: When Kakuzu woke up in a coffin, he knew something was up. The fact that he was alive at all was a mystery. However, he was prepared to annoy Hidan until he got answers. T for Hidan's mouth. HidanKakuzu in the future.
1. Chapter 1

Turned Tables

Okay, I just kinda' got this idea while trying to fall asleep. One instinct said, "GO TO SLEEP NAOW ASDFDLJFLSDJFLAJSDFD." The other said, "GET ON THAT COMPUTER AND TYPE NAOW." Therefore, it's obvious what instinct won.  
_All characters and likenesses belong to Masashi Kishimoto. The only thing I own is…….. Well, a half-eaten box of Keebler© Butter Herb Snack Sticks. I don't even really own _those_ even, because my mom bought them. _

_-kitty1994_

--

When Kakuzu awoke, it was pitch black. As he slowly started to regain his senses, he discovered that this was caused by the fact that he was at least several feet underground. Suddenly feeling burst throughout his limbs, and he also then became aware of the fact that every joint and muscle in his body ached; his entire body was stiff, as if he hadn't moved at all for at least several days.

When he managed to open his strangely colored eyes, it did little good, as there was no source of light to be found in what appeared to be a coffin. Flexing his fingers, the haziness that clouded his mind started to fade, along with the stiffness of his limbs. Stretching a bit more, he raised his arms, and pushed against the lid gingerly, but to no avail.

How had he even gotten into this mess? The last thing he could remember was losing to that stupid blonde kid and that jonin with the silver hair killing him (or at least that's what everyone had thought at the time). If he really strained, he could vaguely remember the sensation of being lifted and carried somewhere.

From what Kakuzu's mind could infer, the Konoha medical corps had probably transported his corpse to an autopsy room to examine his body. After that, they had probably buried his body, thus him ending up in a coffin, 6-feet under. Retreating back to his plan of pushing the lid off, he once more gave the lid an experimental push, this time much more forcefully.

This time, his show of force was met with the creaking of wood, and dust raining down onto his face and body. Quickly deciding that brute force would get him nowhere, he sat back and assessed his situation.

1: He had somehow survived having his last heart destroyed. How that happened was a mystery, but not a priority at the moment.

2: Most likely, the ninja of Konoha thought he was long dead (how long dead, he couldn't be sure). This would be to his advantage once he got onto the surface.

3: He was stuck at least three feet underground in a flimsy coffin. Planning would have to go towards this; also a priority.

4: However much he disliked the fact, he would have to retrieve Hidan before returning to the base. Leader would not be happy to find out Kakuzu had just left him, thus losing another member of the organization.

5: Once he achieved point 3, he would need a plan to escape Konoha. Since he could not be sure of where he was, he would have to wait until he was out of here to figure that out.

Now sure of what he had to do, Kakuzu used his threads to start chipping away at the wood to his right. Making short work of the thin wood, he began to dig slightly up and out. After what he gauged to be about 20 minutes, he broke the surface layer of dirt. Pulling himself out of the ground, he saw that his assumptions about being in a graveyard were correct.

Jumping out of the hole quickly, he filled it in and darted into the shadows. Looking around, it was thankfully night, and the building he was against turned out to be Konoha General Hospital. Sticking to the shadows, he made his way around the building and in through a window. Instantly seeking cover, Kakuzu's eyes scanned the room.

The contents of the room included various medical equipment, with the accompanying monitors, a small end table, a few chairs, a small dresser, and an occupied bed. At this he instantly froze, pressing himself against the wall. The occupant of the bed had unruly silver hair, a mask, and a scar across his left eye.

Recognizing the man who had 'killed' him, Kakuzu was very tempted to cause him bodily harm. But that would be messy, and reveal his presence. Stealth was his main goal at the moment. Instead, Kakuzu opted for stealing some things from the room, those being a mask, the regulation jonin uniform, a pair of sandals, and a Konoha headband.

Sure, it was a little small, but it was better than the obvious dirt encrusted and blood-stained clothing that he usually wore under his Akatsuki uniform. After dressing, and adjusting the mask and headband in the proper places, he set out into the hospital hallway. Coming to a flight of stairs at the end, he quickly climbed them, up to the roof.

From what he had seen, the hospital was at least three stories high, thus giving him a good vantage point to take in his surroundings. Reaching the roof, Kakuzu walked to the edge and looked around. Finding the largest building in the village, he guessed it to be the Hokage Tower. Trailing his eyes along the edges of the village, he spotted several gates from where he was.

Ruling out the largest, and obviously the main gate, he instead searched for a less guarded route. Choosing a decidedly smaller entrance to the village, he jumped from the roof of the hospital, and into a dark alley. He used what alleys he could, and made his way towards the gate he had chosen.

Kakuzu had to say, it was a good idea stealing those cloths and headband from that jonin. More than once, he had run into a patrol, and with his other cloths, it would have been obvious he was not supposed to be there. Reaching the gate, there were only a few guards on duty. It was a great improvement from the most likely 20 or so at the main gate.

Unfortunately, however, there was a problem. There was no way for Kakuzu to open the gate, without attracting too much attention. There was also no way to go over the gate either. That meant that he would either have to use genjutsu to distract the guards, or wait until they opened the gate to slip through. Unfortunately, Kakuzu's specialty was not genjutsu, that's what they had Itachi in the Akatsuki for.

With that, Kakuzu sighed, and settled down in the alley for the inevitably long wait. After consulting a nearly broken watch he had found, it turned out to have been a couple of hours, and nearly 2 AM. Pausing for a second, he thought. If it was around 2 AM, that meant he had 'risen from the dead' sometime around midnight.

Kakuzu nearly laughed at the thought. Maybe some witch had cast a spell to raise him from the dead. Smirking once more he turned his attention back to the gate. Wait a minute, what was that noise? Quickly looking left, he spotted a group of genin walking down the road, looking for all instances, irritated and tired.

Leaning further into the shadows, Kakuzu observed them silently as they walked toward the gate. If they were leaving, this would be his chance to escape, and get back to the base. Just as they were passing his hiding place, a soft whine emitted from the boy with red marks on his face. He opened the top of his coat to reveal a small dog that turned toward Kakuzu's hiding place and whined once more. The boy attempted to peer into the shadows of the alley.

"What is it Akamaru?" he said. Kakuzu mentally cursed that dog. He was giving away his position!

"K-Kiba, we need to hurry up…," the girl of the group timidly called. Kiba looked back for a second and then turned to Akamaru.

"It's okay Akamaru, it's probably just a stray cat," and at that, Kiba hurried off towards the gate. Kakuzu sighed in relief. That was a close call. Now, he needed to focus on timing his dash right, so that he made it past the gates without drawing attention to himself. Almost, just a few more seconds…… there!

Kakuzu dashed from his hiding place and through the gates. After getting through, he threw himself left, and into some bushes. Finally able to relax somewhat, he sat back against a tree and listened to the forest.

"S-Shino, what's our mission? I hope it's not anything d-dangerous…," a girl's voice stuttered.

"It doesn't seem too dangerous Hinata. All we have to do is go keep watch on a battle ground apparently," the boy now identified as Shino replied. At this Kakuzu listened more closely.

"Aw man, this sucks. Why do _we_ have to be the ones to watch a lifeless battleground at 2 AM?" Kiba complained. Shino didn't look up, but replied,

"According to the mission scroll, it isn't lifeless. The scroll says that Shikamaru Nara defeated an immortal Akatsuki member." Hinata's voice gained a quivering tone.

"Y-You mean there's a chance he could attack us?!" she said fearfully. Shino shook his head.

"No. When Shikamaru defeated him, he blew apart his body with paper bombs, and then buried all the body parts. We just have to make sure that no one tries to dig him up, and put him back together." Kakuzu had long since started paying complete attention to the conversing genin. He was sure of it, they were talking about Hidan. This made his job all the much easier; the only thing he had to do was follow them, and they'd lead him to Hidan.

The entire time Kakuzu followed them, he made sure to keep a good distance, so that that boy's dog wouldn't be able to smell him. He had long since abandoned his watch, as it restricted movement of his threads, so he had no way to know for sure how long they had been walking. When they reached their destination, he set about formulating a plan to distract or get rid of them.

When he had his plan, he set it into motion.

--

As they arrived on the site, it was obvious that a massive battle had taken place. Looking around, you could see where the explosion had damaged the area; the trees were scorched in a circle around the patch of broken up ground. Suddenly, a rustling in the trees caught their attention, causing them to tense and ready weapons. Out of the trees jumped two ninja, the guards from the gate they had exited.

They looked frantic, and rushed over to the three genin.

"We have to get back to the village, quickly! It's under attack by enemy ninja! All the squads are being called back!" they explained hurriedly. Getting past their shock, Hinata and Kiba nodded, and followed the guards when they set off back towards the gate. Shino however, paused for a moment and looked around. '_There's something odd about this…,'_ he thought, before following his teammates.

--

Kakuzu watched the squad of genin follow the shadow clones he'd created. '_Good. That should keep them busy for awhile.'_ He thought. Checking for chakra signatures, he then darted to the section of broken earth where Hidan was supposedly buried. Releasing his threads, he made short work of the ground, and soon found an arm, a hand and what might have been Hidan's thigh. After digging around a bit more, he had found all of the body parts, excluding the head.

Digging around once more, he soon heard what sounded like muffled yelling in a spot he had yet to dig. Moving to that area, he came across a patch of dirty silver hair. Grabbing the strands, he pulled up, and the rest of the head followed.

"-TCH! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY PARTS! PUT ME DOWN DAMN YOU!" Hidan cried angrily. Yes, that was Hidan. No mistaking it. Kakuzu sighed.

--

One week. 7 FUCKING DAYS and Kakuzu _still_ hadn't come and gotten him out of this damn hole. He'd even gone to the trouble to make sure he wouldn't die. Oh, you were wondering about that? I GAVE HIM MY HEART, in the literal sense. What? I should be _dead?_ I'll grow a new one! Seriously, some of you people.

Anyways, what was I ranting about? Oh yes. DAMN KAKUZU AND HIS LEAVING ME TO ROT IN A HOLE. Alright, I'm done. What, you were expecting a full out rant about it? No, I'll save that until he comes and gets me……. H-He will come get me, right? ...WHO THE HELL AM I TALKING TO?!

--

In his hole, while he was focusing on breaking the forth wall, and exactly who it was he was breaking it for, he felt something. Like someone moving the dismembered parts of his body. What if it was Kakuzu? What if it _wasn't_ Kakuzu? What the hell were these people doing?! And at that, Hidan started his rant.

"STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY PARTS! PUT ME DOWN DAMN YOU!"

--

Yes. Hidan likes breaking the forth wall….A LOT. So be prepared. He also gets his own little section for his thoughts. Wow, this is like, the longest piece of text I've ever written. Yay! I'm done! I might continue this, depending on how it's received. I do hope I got Kakuzu in character. It's something I really focused on. Anyway, please tell me if you thought I did well on the general stuff, and with keeping people in character. Reviews will be welcomed, regardless of heat intensity!

-kitty1994


	2. Chapter 2

Turned Tables

Alright, I would like to thank xXJashin-rocksXx, Furrywolfpup, Dominno, ocean stone, and Kyra213 for their reviews! GO GIVE THEM LOVE! :3 And Special thanks to 'I Spaz With Pizzazz'! He (she?) has given me the best (and longest) review so far! GIVE HIM (her?) EXTRA LOVE!! :D Now, on with the story!

_I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fan fiction, and gain no profit from this literary work. All characters and likenesses belong to Masashi Kishimoto, and their respective owners…….I OWN NOTHING. D:_

_-kitty1994_

---

Hidan, still facing away from Kakuzu, continued his ranting unhindered.

"I SAID, PUT ME DOWN! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?! JASHIN DAMN YOU ALL! YOU'RE HEATHENS, ALL OF YOU! NOW LET ME GO, SO I CAN SACRIFICE YOU TO THE GREAT LORD JASHIN! YO-"

"HIDAN!" Kakuzu shouted. Hidan paused for a moment before speaking.

"Kakuzu? Is that you?" he questioned. In response, Kakuzu just turned Hidan's head around to face him, showing Hidan's puzzled expression. The silence between them lasted a bit longer before Hidan broke it.

"YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAS STUCK IN THAT HOLE?! I KNOW _I_ DON'T, BECAUSE I WAS _FUCKING UNDERGROUND FOR JASHIN-KNOWS HOW LONG!_" Hidan ranted. Kakuzu, having expected this, merely dug a rag out of his pocket and stuffed it into Hidan's mouth, cutting his rant short. Hidan glared at Kakuzu in response.

"Now," Kakuzu started calmly," We need to get you sewn back together, and be on our way, before those genin see through the shadow clones, and bring the whole population of Konoha ninja down on our heads." Hidan said something that sounded like 'fine'. Then again, knowing Hidan, it also could have been anything along the lines of 'fuck you, you atheist bastard'. Ignoring his 'answer', Kakuzu began the tedious process of reattaching all of Hidan's limbs.

---

On the way back to the village, Shino noticed a few odd things about the guards that had retrieved them. For one, they weren't even headed in the direction of the village. For another thing, they kept glancing back menacingly at them. Hinata and Kiba seemed to have noticed too, because they fell back a little to talk to him.

"Hey, Shino," Kiba said, "Something's up with those two guards." Hinata nodded.

"Yeah. They're acting really strange….." she added.

"Like turning back periodically and glaring menacingly at us? And that we're not even remotely heading in the direction of the village?" Shino stated in monotone.

"Yeah, there's _that_," Kiba said, rolling his eyes, "But that wasn't what I noticed. Their shirts aren't on backwards." Hinata looked surprised.

"R-Really? I'd noticed that they weren't bumping into each other…..." she said. Shino looked slightly irritated.

"You think they're strange because their clothes and strides are perfectly normal?" Shino questioned. Hinata nodded.

"Yeah, who doesn't?" Kiba questioned. Shino promptly slipped off while landing on the next branch.

---

_-Back At the Akatsuki Headquarters…-_

In what was used as the living room, Deidara fiddled with the remote control for the TV. Whilst fiddling, he accidentally set a season pass on 'Scooby-Doo'.

"Stupid TiVo HD, un….."

---

Kakuzu had finished putting Hidan's body back together. The only thing left to do was attach his head. Picking up Hidan's head, he was amazed at how silent he was being without the rag in his mouth. Wait a second…….. He wasn't being quiet! He was just asleep! Sewing Hidan's head onto his body, he then stood up, and angrily kicked him in the ribs.

Hidan jolted awake almost immediately.

"OW! What the hell was that for?!" He complained. Kakuzu just threw a set of clothes at Hidan, along with shoes. Grumbling about Kakuzu, Hidan sifted through the clothes.

"Hey, wait a second! I can't wear this!" he shouted indignantly, holding up a white nurse's outfit. Kakuzu glared.

"It's the only thing I could find. At least the shoes are flats, and not heels. Now, it's either that, or what you have right now," he threatened. What Hidan had was in taters, and did nothing to preserve his modesty. Not that he really had any in the first place.

In reality, Kakuzu did have normal clothes for Hidan. He had only picked up the nurse outfit because he thought he might be able to sell it to Konan, or at a village on the way to the base. But because Hidan had fallen asleep, he felt it his duty to torture him a little.

"Plus, it's only for a little while. There's a cache not far from here." All over the world, the Akatsuki had millions of secret caches, where they stored extra clothing, weapons, medical supplies, and rations. However, they were only to be used in times of emergency, so Kakuzu couldn't make him and Hidan eat the rations for every meal, instead of spending the money from the bounties he collected.

Hidan muttered angrily and pulled on the clothes he had been provided with, along with the shoes. Hidan stood up, and Kakuzu nearly laughed. Hidan was wearing the nurse's outfit, complete with hat. Hidan glared at him.

"No one, I mean NO ONE, is to EVER hear about this," Hidan said with finality. Kakuzu just started walking. After continuing in an angry silence for a few minutes, Hidan suddenly stopped. Kakuzu turned back to look at him.

"What is it?" he said irritably. Hidan started looking all over his person.

"My rosary! Where is it?!" Hidan questioned franticly. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.

"Probably back in that hole…?" he replied. Then it clicked in his head.

"Hidan, we are NOT going back just for your stupid rosary!" Kakuzu shouted angrily. Hidan glared.

"Yes, we are!" Hidan argued, turning back around, and walking back the way they had just come from. Kakuzu could feel a vein throbbing in his forehead.

"Fine, you go back and get it. I'll meet you at the base," he said angrily, and left. Hidan, meanwhile, just continued to the battleground, to search for his and rosary (and his scythe now that he thought about it!).

---

After Hidan had made it back to the site of the battle, he had the problem of figuring out exactly where his rosary and scythe were. Heading for the place where Kakuzu had dug him up, he dug some more, and soon found his scythe, but failed to find his rosary. After searching a bit more, Hidan sat back and sighed in defeat. At this rate, he was never going to be able to find his rosary! Suddenly, he had an idea. Grinning triumphantly, he set to work.

---

After leaving Hidan to his own devices, Kakuzu felt kind of bad. He should have known Hidan would get all worked up about not having his rosary, and that he would insist on going to get it. Not to mention he had the attention span of a 3 year-old, meaning he was bound to get into trouble. Sighing, Kakuzu grabbed Hidan some clothes and sandals from the cache, and went back the way he had come.

When he got there, he found at least twenty Hidans, all wearing the same nurse outfit. Kakuzu immediately had the mental image of twenty Hidans doing the Can-Can. Snorting in laughter, the group of Hidans immediately turned to look at him.

---

Hidan had started searching using the Shadow Clone Jutsu, but he still hadn't found his rosary. Just as he was about to give up, he heard a noise, and turned to see Kakuzu standing at the edge of the clearing. Hidan glared at him, and was about to make a smart-ass remark, when he noticed Kakuzu was holding some clothes and shoes, presumably for him.

Biting his tongue, Hidan merely dispelled the jutsu, and walked over to Kakuzu to retrieve his clothes. Pulling on the shirt, pants, sandals, and Akatsuki cloak, he turned to Kakuzu and raised an eyebrow.

"So are you going to help me look or not?" he questioned. Kakuzu just rolled his eyes, and within seconds, Hidan had to jump to the side to avoid being impaled by black threads. Less than a minute later, Kakuzu's threads receded, and he had Hidan's rosary in hand. Thrusting the rosary into Hidan's grasp, Kakuzu turned on his heel to once more resume their journey to the base, when a commotion came from some nearby bushes.

Turning toward said bushes, they were surprised to see a trio of Konoha genin emerge, ready to attack!

---

In a result of Shino slipping, and falling to the ground, Kiba, Hinata, and the two 'guards' stopped to look back at him. Picking himself up off the ground, Shino dusted himself off, as Kiba and Hinata landed next to him.

"Hey, Shino, you alright?" Kiba questioned. Hinata also looked worried. Shino, still wiping dirt from his face and clothes, nodded.

"Yes, I'm fine. However, those aren't the guards from the gate. They're shadow clones." Shino stated calmly pointing at the would-be imitators. The two guards turned to face them fully, and smirked evilly.

"So, you've finally noticed, eh?" he grinned, glancing to his cohort. The other charlatan grinned and chuckled, and opened his mouth to start his villainous speech, when his eyes widened in surprise, and disappeared into a cloud of smoke, the kunai that had pierced his chest falling to lodge itself in the branch he was standing on.

The first imposter's eyes widened in surprise as he stared at the spot his companion was in just moments before. He turned to glare at the trio.

"No," Shino replied, "I'd noticed for awhile now that there was something strange about you; however, you've just confirmed it."

"You killed Kenny! You bastard!" the guard shouted angrily. With that, he pulled out a kunai and charged the three genin.

(A.N. – What, you expected an awesome fight scene? No, I'll save that for later……fu-fu-fu-fu!)

---

After disposing of the remaining shadow clone, Hinata Shino and Kiba were left with figuring out what to do next. Shino looked up after a great pause.

"Well, one of us should go tell Lady Tsunade. However, if we're going to go stall the perpetrators, it would be best to have all three of us," Shino said, looking up at his team mates. Hinata stepped forward, a determined look on her face.

"I'll go warn Lady Tsunade. I wouldn't be that much of a help in a fight, so at least this way I'd be making myself useful!" she said with vigor. Shino and Kiba looked at her.

"You're sure?" Kiba questioned. "We could always tie a note to Akamaru and send him." Hinata just shook her head.

"No," she said, "Akamaru is an important part of your jutsu Kiba! If there's going to be a fight, its best he's with you!" Kiba just nodded. Shino stepped forward to talk.

"Alright then. Hinata, you go inform Hokage-sama and send for some back up. Kiba, you and me will go and try to stall whoever sent those shadow clones." With that, they all disappeared into different parts of the forest.

---

Sprinting along the tree branches, Shino and Kiba raced to the scarred battlegrounds. Starting, Shino looked to his left. Out of the brush came a figure.

"Naruto? What are you doing here?" he questioned. Naruto just grinned.

"Tsunade Baa-Chan sent me to help you guys out! I ran into Hinata on the way here, and she told me everything!" he announced, still grinning. Shino just nodded, and hurried towards their goal. Reaching a spot just outside of the clearing, Shino held out a hand, signaling them to stop. Jumping down to the forest floor, he crouched down and crept toward the bushes concealing them. Parting a few branches, he peered out to see two men talking, both wearing Akatsuki cloaks.

Glancing back to Naruto and Kiba, who had also jumped down and were crouching behind him, he motioned jumping out into the clearing. Naruto and Kiba both nodded, and readied their kunai, tensing, waiting for Shino's signal. With a flick of his hand, Shino motioned them all forward, and they jumped out into the clearing.

---

Well, what do you think? Yes, I put in a reference to 'South Park'. So sue me…….. No, wait, I take it back! DON'T SUE!!


End file.
